Cinematic Arias

Everyone is buzzing about this Village Voice article. Why? I think it’s because in the age of Reality TV Celebutantes sex tapes we love watching idiots make asses of themselves but let’s save that for later.

First, let me say that “I get it.” When I recently turned in my TERMINATOR: THE SARAH CONNON CHRONICLES TV spec for contests, I suffered over every sentence, every word. Not only did I employ all of John August’s tips but I also read it from last page to first and I reread the first ten pages ten times more than the rest of the script. If I go back and find I dropped an apostrophe from a contraction, I want to commit seppuku in the shower.

But that’s not everyone’s policy. Terrible writing chocked full of grammar and spelling mistakes isn’t just for the amateur either. I once worked for a small indie film production company run by a titan in the field and they asked me to clean up a certain filmmaker’s script before it went out. This writer/director, who shall go unnamed but I will say that he won Sundance, became an overnight success, still makes films and now also stars in big Hollywood productions, handed in a script that looked like it was typed up by a retarded orangutan. I, who am not an expert in grammar, could spot the syntactical carnage miles from the page… but I digress.

I get why this guy doesn’t want to read your script. No one wants to hear the truth. I know. The older I get the more honest I get and the more folk look hurt when I give them said honesty but in this industry you gotta develop thick skin. There’s a reason that all the filmmakers that make it are jerks.

But does this guy have to be such a douche? Maybe. But do I want to hear him rant about it? Let me say this: yes, that guy was a dick for cornering you but you are a dick for writing this article. Hey, I’m sorry if your diamond slippers are too tight. Might I help you slide them off with a chainsaw?

That’s what I thought.