Let it be known that I had a chance to see the Monsters of Rock show and I didn’t go. I know, I know, pre-suck Metallica, Van Halen, Dokken, Scorpions… I know! I did see the Clash of the Titans tour (Anthrax, Megadeth & Slayer w/ Alice in Chains opening) and at that show Scott Ian jumped into the crowd and pounded the s**t out of some f**ker that was throwing firecrackers on stage so in honor of that aggression, that’s how I’ll review the Monsters of Folk show.
Welcome to Dark Tony and his NSFW review of the Monsters of Folk
First and foremost, although some of the music was super pansy, it was a pretty fucking awesome show. The band was tight and while it was often low and mellow, occasionally it rocked (thank Satan). Now, I should mention my predispositions. I hate Conor Oberst. I’d like to send his head through a plate glass window. I bet the fucker hates being compared to Bob Dylan but I bet he gets more pissed when someone doesn’t. Now, M. Ward (does it really stand for “Montgomery” as Jim James said? If so, and if you’re not the heir to that department store for old ladies, then your parents really fucking hated you). First, props to this fucker because he can fucking shred on his axe. Yeah, it’s all that acoustic bullshit but if he really applied himself and sacrificed a virgin to Odin he might actually have a chance at slaying the beast known as Malmsteen. That said, dude, could you be more creepy and disingenuous? You look like the kind of fucker that would try to roofie my girlfriend at a bar… if I had a girlfriend… HEY, FUCK YOU FUCKER! No, the only righteous dude was Jim James. Okay, this bullshit spelling of his name, using Ys instead of your real name, that’s just… geez, I live so close to West Hollywood and I’m not supposed to be using that word but… oh, I know, I’ll do what they do on those stupid bus ads. That’s so “dude that listens to Queen and got really excited when he heard about David Bowie pounding Mick Jagger’s fudge maker.” No, but, hey, that fucker can rock. Like, when he screamed out “yeah!” it was like calling to the hounds of hell to unleash their unholy metal upon the Greek Theater. Fuck, I can’t wait any longer for My Morning Jacket to tour. Put out a new album and tour you fuckers!
…And so ends the brief reign of Dark Tony. If you’re looking for a great concert, go! And like Dark Tony said, when the hell is My Morning Jacket touring next? What, you say you’re not familiar with MMJ? You can get all their stuff on eMusic. What the fuck are you waiting for?
Oops, sorry. Dark Tony slipped out. Must be because Halloween is so close.
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